Our dear old Lewiston was a man like no other.

He loved everything about his life. Loved his job, his wife, his kids, his house, his car and most of all, he loved himself.

Everything was just perfect.

But he stubbed his toe early one morning, on the leg of a tabl,e on his way to make coffee.  And the words just came out of his mouth:

“I hate that table.”

It all went bad from there.

His job got boring, the wife got fat, kids stated taking drugs, the house got termites, the car rusted out and Lewiston himself?

Well, his toe got gangrene and it killed him.

Oh dear poor old Lewiston.

Did you know, the only way to escape from a Cheetah Moose is to leap southward like a frog?

It’s a strang time out there.
Or maybe a strange era.
I don’t even know if there is a proper word for it.
But it is definitely strange.

I keep thinking to myself that things are going to turn around.
That people are going to get better.
I haven’t seen any evidence of it yet though.

So all my heroes are fictional characters.

They know when to call the shots because there ain’t no line between good and bad. At least they know when to either help themselves, get help or destroy themselves with their problems.

“All your wounds are self-inflicted” indeed.

Are there any that aren’t?

The net’s a place where there’s 1 for 2000 people.
You get speeding tickets for going the limit,
And only 140 words to prove yourself.
You sit in the space listening to Britney Spears
While badgers dance in the background.
Web-speak isn’t always the best thing, you know?
But some people like to think so.

Is it okay to come out now?
I’ve been in here forever.
This closet of intellectual boredom.
I tried opening the door once before,
A week ago I think,
But the glare was too bright, too fake.
My eyes still hurt.
I think I’ll wait a little longer.

There is something strange going on here.
I can’t put my finger on it, yet, but I  sure am trying.
See, I was sitting outside when, everything went silent.
Birds stopped chirping, bees stopped buzzing and there wasn’t a single sound coming from the cars moving by.
It only happened for a moment, then it all came back.
Not with a bang or anything, bit like it just faded back into existence.
I think my brain was trying to tell me something:
I need to fade back into existence.

Here we are again.
Standing at the edge of a cliff and looking down.
Looking down, down, down onto the sea.
It’s a landscape of magic and beauty.
But all I can think of is an Animal Planet show I saw once
…about Sand Mites.

I still wish I could breathe underwater

There was a man standing outside this morning.

I could see him from my, second floor, apartment window.

He wasn’t waiting for someone. I was sure of that because he wasn’t obsessivly checking his watch.

I don’t even think he had a watch.

In my head, I started making excuses for him being there:

He was a mobster, tracking someone that had gone into the building.
He was a special agent planning to poison someone in the deli.
The best one I thought of was, he just felt like standing there.

I’ve been known to do the same thing. Just pick a corner, lean against a wall and watch. In such a huge city, no one pays attention to anything you do.  Someone who just liked people, well liked to watch people, standing around was the best way to do it.

Maybe I’ll go talk to him.

If he was anything like me, he hated the sounds that came out of people’s mouths.

Actually, I won’t disturbe him. He probably hates people too.

I haven’t talked in 2 years.

NEWS ANCHOR, a man in his early forties in an expensive suit and slicked back hair is standing outside a Wal-Mart amidst a frenzied crowd trying to get into the store.

NEWS ANCHOR: Have you heard? There’s a huge sale on at Wal-Mart! Everything priced for exactly how much it cost to make. Shirts going for pennies, shoes for a dime! It’s insanity out here!

NA grabs JOE, a man in his thirties in dirty overalls without a shirt, coming out of Wal-Mart. JOE has a heavy backwoods, inbred accent.

NA: You sir, what have you got and how much did you pay?

JOE: Yeah, I gots me some of th’m DVDs. All’em shows from that there TV.

JOE spits on the ground.

JOE: Gots me ’bout twen’y of’em. Di’n't cost me more’en a buck.

NA: Sounds like you’ll be watching TV for the next few years.

JOE: Watchin’ the TV? New, I’m takin’ these out’inna field and shootin’em like skeets with the here rifle.

JOE pulls off a rifle he had strapped to his back holding it hight

JOE: I bought in’ere for ‘nother buck.

NA clears his throat looking frazzled and uncomfortable. JOE smiles showing a mouth full of missing teeth.

NA: Well, have fun sir and thank you. Well you’ve heard it here people, there is something for everyone at [NA imitates JOE's accent]‘this here Wal-Mart’

This week on Michaels Live in the Morning:

Monday: Who are you, and what’s wrong with you?

Tuesday: Jerry Springer – Friend or foe?

Wednesday: Lose 20lbs in 3 hours.

Thursday: Tom Cruise – The untold story. Up close and personal with the actors third grade teacher.

Friday: “My Mother’s been dead for 30 years…but she’s living in my backyard!”

Michaels Live in the Morning coming to you every weekday evening on PBS